I Fucking Dare You

pic of cartoon by Matt Bors

Plan B.

Such a pregnant phrase.

The very printed letter B appears gravid with promise.

In a slice of irony, Plan B is the contraceptive pop culture loves to jab in sitcom gags and talk show interviews..

“You need a plan B” is the phrase uttered by skeptics like parents and honest friends in attempts to sway you from ill conceived notions such as taking your solo burlesque/kazoo act on the road.

Plan B is better than plan C. So when plan A has failed, you are at least looking at something better than plan C. The looser’s plan. Plan C sucks.

All that said, let me hit you with a fully turgid and superior (to any plan C) Plan B.

Ready?

Vote Trump.

There… isn’t that crazy? That’s my Plan B. Don’t look at me that way… it’s way better than Plan C.

Donald J. Trump is a fucking liar. That’s all. It’s that simple. A liar. He’s not an entertainer. He’s not a “master manipulator.” He’s not a good business man. He’s not really that great a villain. He is a rich-boy kook with nary an original harvest of thought from his own melon. He is a high functioning imbecile, high functional in that he has enough money to pad the usual repercussions of stupidity. And that’s a good thing. His lack of any candor or nuance, his caveman celebrity are the last stand of American democracy’s long affair with elitist greed. He’s the monkey-wrench. He’s the gremlin for whom we’ve all prophesied. He’s the modern world’s equivalent to medieval royal inbreeding. He’s the humpbacked, slew-footed thing the American upper class have known for years lives in their basement and now it has escaped.

How resilient is this “representative democracy?” How long could a Trump presidency last? How many people in the government who are beholden to a president will do the fairytale things Trumps tells them to do? How long before we see criminal action against a President Trump? What gaping holes in the bulwark of “freedom and liberty” will appear once there’s a bonafide madman at the helm? You do realize the holes are already there… We’ve had dolts (Bush Jr.) let opportunists sway them into wars and erosions of rights. We’ve let song and dance men (Obama) wow us while continuing the wars and erosions of rights. Now we have the prospect of electing a genuine monster whose very hair has become a symbol of heroic dishonesty.  

Let me restate this: He’s not really that great a villain. He’s easy. He’s Snidely Whiplash. He’s a paper tiger who’ll easily burn this paper democracy to a cinder and the true “failsafe” options will appear. The US military will never listen to Trump. Young legal eagles will flee the Justice Dept like pepper from soap. Sure the FBI will fall in line, they always do. The CIA? Nah... Congress will make his life a fiery place from whence there is no salvation. The system will seize up like any victim of any dildo shaped freeze ray from any 1950s scifi. Crime will skyrocket. You think Black Lives Matter is annoying now? They'll change their name to Black Panther Lives Matter or White Lives Don't Matter. All the Mexican immigrants who haven't left this country will disappear toots sweet and since white people don't pick oranges or avocados, the core of the upper middle class will fall to pieces in a week. But again... he's not that great a villain. All this chaos at its most beautiful and constructive will not be the work of Donald J. Trump. It'll be on you and me. I for one welcome it. If you folks insist on having a government, let's make it more impotent than the Italians ever dreamed. Let's show those unitarian parliamentary constitutionalist republicans just how fucked up a government can be!          

How resilient is this “representative democracy?” Let’s find out.

Vote Trump. I fucking dare you.

UPDATE